30 Lessons for Living – book review

“30 Lessons for Living. Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans”

by Karl Pillemer, Ph. D., 2011

I read the book “30 Lessons for Living” and was thoroughly fascinated by it. What a great way to start a new year!

Written in a simple language, It’s a chronicle of the life lessons from the “wisest Americans” – people at the end of their own lives. The author calls them “experts on living”.  They are an irreplaceable resource for all of us because “they have one unique source of knowledge that the rest of us do not: they have lived their lives”. Therefore, collectively they are wisest among us. Why not learn from them?

The book is based on the research and interviews that the author conducted with approximately 300 people from many different walks of life. They were at the end of their lives, and their advice is a great reference for the rest of us on how to make most of ours.

When I read through the pages of this book, I get to look and think about various facets of life. Often it caused sad feelings when it shined a light on what I had done wrong. Sometimes it brought satisfaction in knowing the things that went right. I think it can be used as a scorecard to evaluate (and correct) anyone’s life.

Even though most of us would agree with the elders’ advice in this book, the priority and the importance of their lessons came at a surprise to me and, I guess, to many readers. I recommend everyone to read this book, but in the meantime, below is a “refrigerator list” of the lessons from “life experts”.

On Marriage (Great Together)

• Marry someone a lot like you. While differences are inevitable and even healthy in marriages, chose a partner that has similar core values and a similar outlook on life. You may be doomed if you don’t.
• Friendship is as important as romantic love. The romantic phase of the marriage will fade away quickly, but love and friendship must stay. And can be improved.
• Don’t keep score. Marriage isn’t a 50/50 game, it’s 100% / 100% deal. “The only way you can make marriage work is to have both parties give 100 percent all the time.”
• Talk to each other. Find ways to overcome reluctance to talk about difficult issues. Blow off the steam before you talk. Let your partner have his or her way. Sometimes winning the argument is actually a loss for more important things in life.
• Commit to the marriage, not only to your partner. Marriages need work. Long relationships have both joy and struggle, quitting working on relationships means giving up all the future possibilities.
• Don’t go to bed angry. Someone is going to say the last word at the end of the day, and you don’t want that someone will be left hurt.

On a Successful Career (Glad to Get Up in the Morning)

• Chose the career for intrinsic rewards, no financial ones. The lesson as it seems from the end of lifetime span is straightforward – “time well and enjoyably spent trumps money anytime.” For the people at the end of their lives, the real success was measured not in the things you can buy.
• Keep looking for a job that can make you happy.  If you don’t have the fulfillment out of your current career, it’s never too late to start and keep looking for a different one. Don’t be afraid and don’t give up.
• Make the most out of bad jobs that you may have. There is learning and developing opportunities in even the least desirable job. Find and use them to improve yourself.
• Emotional intelligence trumps every other kind (of intelligence). There is no place for jerks in the workplace. You are not alone at your job and to succeed at work, the talent, knowledge and experiences aren’t as valuable as your interpersonal skills. How good a person you are may have a huge impact on your career and often we don’t see it immediately. This quote is not from the book, but I think it brings this point very clear – “people don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.”
• Everyone needs autonomy. This is not so obvious lesson but the experts at the end of their lives agreed that the most fulfilling and satisfying career is the one where you have freedom and autonomy to do it your way. People thrive in environments where they matter.

On Parenting (Nobody’s Perfect)

• It’s all about time. Time is the most valuable thing you can give to your children. It’s a simple number’s game, nothing will substitute or replace the time spent with your children. And make sure that this time is spent on your children terms, not on what is on your own agenda. Quite often we learn that the most memorable events in our children’s lives were not the ones that we thought. You never know when those events will happen, so spending as much time as you can with children is the only way to ensure they happen with you present.
• It’s normal to have favorites (children) but never show it. As between any humans, the relationships between parents and children vary from person to person. Same as if you want to spend more time with some of your friends than the others, go to your children. They all have different personalities, and some would naturally be more aligned with yours. Luckily, most of us instinctively know not to share your preferences with your children. Because as some of the elders said in the book, the consequences of showing your preferences were bad for both parents and affected children.
• Don’t hit your kids. Without exceptions, it was always a prominent regret for the entire lives of the parents who did. Regardless of how reasonable it appears at a moment, just don’t do it.
• Avoid rifts at all costs. As children grew, the relationships between them and parents change. They may change for better or worth, but the elders agree that regardless of the issues at stake, don’t let the relationships degrade. Whether you feel your behavior is right or wrong, the outcome is always a disappointment, and nobody will win in it. It’s a known phenomenon that parents value relationships with their children more than children do with their parents. And the first person who needs to compromise is usually a parent.
• Relationships with children is a lifelong deal. As both parents and children grow, the relationships evolve and develop. If fact, most of the time in life we as a parent spend with the children is when they are grown up. So, don’t think that it’s going to be over when they leave for college. “You are only as happy as your unhappiest child”.

On Aging (Find the Magic)

• Being old is much better than you think. The old people were young one day, but we see them as they always had been old. Old age presented to the elders very different than they anticipated, and mostly it exceeded their expectations. So, don’t worry about dying.
• Act now like you will need your body for a hundred years. Don’t subscribe to the notion “everybody has to die someday”. If you don’t treat your body well, most likely you will not just die, but you will end up living for many years with bad health and all things that come with it. “Think about not the how long you are going to live but how are you going to live”.
• Stay connected. People often lose social contacts as they age. “Experts” advice you not to. Keep learning something new – always. Stay connected. And don’t shy from the senior communities – often they provide more joy and social connections than other living arrangements.

On Living without Regrets (I Can Look Everyone in the Eye)

• Always be honest. Whatever little gains you may get from deceiving other people pale in comparison to the regrets and disappointments of the living a dishonest life.
• Say yes to opportunities. Not doing so was one of the most common regrets of the elders. Avoid a comfortable existence and put yourself into the whirlpool of the unknown of the new opportunities. Seek opportunities proactively, sign up for what you seemingly couldn’t do, get out of your comfort zone, and you will be rewarded with interesting life without regrets.
• Travel more. This is welcomed advice for those who like to travel. But even if you aren’t, or afraid, or couldn’t afford it, find ways to do it anyway. As the opportunities to have a wider view and different experiences enhance your life immensely. Believe in what elders say – “when your travel days are over, you will wish you had taken one more trip”.
• Say it now. If you have something to say to someone, do it before it’s too late. You may feel grateful to someone in a moment, but you didn’t say it. You may love the person but didn’t say it often enough. It never seems urgent, but it’s important to do. Life will not wait for you and will go on. Until, as many elders witnessed firsthand, it’s too late. And they regret the things they didn’t say more than the ones they said.

On Happiness (Choose Happiness)

• Time is of the essence. It’s natural that we only start seeing the time limit of life when we get older. We often squander time at a younger age only to understand it much later. We feel that it’s going to be plenty of time to do something that you want, but later in life. But the elders advise “never imagine that there will be time later to accomplish something, because that later time may turn out to have been yesterday”.
  • Happiness is a choice, not a condition. Many elders interviewed in a book lived through a difficult time, personal tragedies and setbacks. However, those who took a positive stance on the events had the most satisfying experience. It may be easily said than done, but at least you can try to leave with this attitude. “You are not responsible for all the things that may happen to you, but you are completely in control of your attitude toward them”.
  • Time spent worrying is time wasted. You worry about events that may or may not happen and often outside of your control – how fruitless it is. Worrying is a barrier to joy. Worrying is different from concerning. Eliminate worry and prepare instead. “You cannot control what might happen to you and you cannot change what did happen”.
  • Think small. Inevitably, it is a life view that only seemed to available from the vantage point of an older age.  Whether it’s having a great day, the morning cup of coffee, spending time with someone or just doing nothing, small things in life apparently bring most of the enjoyment.
  • Have faith. This topic seems to have resonated with both religious and non-religious participants. For some, it’s a seeking meaning and your place in life, for others it’s a communal experience, most of the “experts” agreed that some kind of faith made their life richer and more fulfilled. The Golden Rule (do to others what you want them do to you) seems to be the most common summary of the life of character and faith.